Cellphone Etiquette

Part II of the "How to Not Become a Mook" Series on Modern Manners

1. Just because I have a bad or old cellphone, doesn't mean you have to diss it or that I have to buy a new one. A phone is a phone.
2. The entire "i call you, you don't pick up, you get the missed call, then you call me back two seconds after I hang up" scenario has got to end.

3. Turn your mobiles off in any of the following situations:
a. sit-down restaurants
b. movie theatres
c. while dealing with cashiers
d. when you're on a date
e. class (for the love of God)
f. when in doubt

4. People without cellphones who borrow mine are annoying. Use a payphone next time.
5. If you choose to have an obnoxious or cheesy ringtone, don't turn it up to the maximum level and ignore rule 3(e).
6. Bluetooth headsets are for yuppie businessmen, balding Lebanese guys and not you.

7. TXTing has its own sublist of etiquette:
a. one word txts like "yo," "whatever," "hey," or "damn," are entirely useless and a waste of your precious 10 cents
b. on the other hand, remember that TXTing goes by another name "SMS" or "Short Messaging Service". Make your point, or just call me, you Jew.
c. just because you send me a TXT, doesn't mean I'm obligated to respond you anytime soon. Sending another TXT would just get on my nerves. A third strike would just result in you being deleted my list.
d. Back and forth TXTing like 6 or more times ought to be reserved strictly for cutesy couples who like to bring sunshine in each other's otherwise decrepit lives. Again, if the "Short" part of SMS just doesn't work with your intended communication, call, nitwit.

8. One (maximum two) missed calls is enough. I get it, you want to talk to me. But could it just so happen that I *don't* want to talk you?
9. Three or more missed calls, especially within the span of one hour, unless the situation absolutely calls for it, borders on stalkerism.
10. Please don't complain multiple times about "my shitty battery" or "my shitty network." Everyone's battery and network is shitty. No need for reminders.
11. When having a conversation, most especially during those precious "daytime" hours, keep it brief, to the point and try to end it before a minute.

i.e. ideal conversation:

Receiver: Yo.
Caller: Yo, I'm done work at 6, where you at?
Receiver: I'm at work. ll be done at 7. I'll meet you in front of Cote-Vertu at 7:30 if you wanna chill.
Caller: Aite, peace.
Receiver: Peace.

See? That should've taken no more than 20 seconds.

i.e. more common, less ideal conversation:

Receiver: Yea.
Caller: Hey, what's up?
Receiver: Nothing, bro, chillin'.
Caller: Fo' sho.
(...Lull)
Receiver: What do you want?
Caller: What?
Receiver: Why did you call?
Caller: You know, just to see what's up.
Receiver: Yea, I just told you, nothing.
Caller: Chill. So you wanna do something?
Receiver: Like what?
Caller: I don't know.
Receiver: What do you want to do?
Caller: Um, I don't know, I'm busy tonite.
(...Lull)
Receiver: So what the f*ck?
Caller: Yea... yo, you hear about what happened at the club last night?
Receiver: No.
Caller: Oh, it was crazy, man.
Receiver. Okay, great. Yo, daytime minutes, I got to go.
Caller: What?
Receiver: Daytime minutes.
Caller: Oh, don't you got a plan?
Receiver: I do. But daytime isn't free.
Caller: Who you with?
Receiver: Yo, peace, peace.
Caller: Aite bro. I'll call you back.

Two and a half minutes of each of your lives spent and not a damn thing solved.

Let's try and keep these rules in mind, next time you hit "Send."

* * *

And in Respect to CBGB's Founder Hilly Kristal (1932-2007), I have found out what CBGB OMFUG stands for, and shall now share this knowledge with you.

"Country BlueGrass and Blues & Other Music For Uplifting Gormandizers"

Good night.